Field Notes August 5th, 2021
The paperwork is still on the kitchen table where I sat for the hearing which was online just over a month ago. I’ve piled mail, receipts, and other items on top of the paperwork, but it’s still there lurking beneath the mess. Then the question is do I keep it for some reason or throw it away? Or better yet, burn it all!? What do I do with all of that documentation and information? What good is it to me now? I put a lot of time and effort into that case. We spent a lot of money on an attorney for that case. And we won! We won, so why do I still feel so horrible?!
I’m still angry and sad and depressed and unmotivated and heavy. I still feel lost and stuck and confused and betrayed and disappointed. But we won! We proved our case. Our voices were heard. The judge knew there was more behind our broken story, restricted by the rules of court procedure. “I wonder,” he asked during his ruling, “why the sisters were taken out as trustees twice.” He went on, “I know there is more to the story that has not been elaborated on by your testimonies.” He commended us for pursuing this case and for asking for a third party conservator. He was proud of us.
Something I've wanted from my dad my entire life, for him to be proud of me. I never got it and I never will. Not now. Not ever. I have betrayed him. I have revealed his dark secret. I have said out loud that there is something wrong with him. It took me 2 years but finally someone listened. I went through hell but now finally someone has believed me. I have been heard and I am now protected.
I am protected from false accusations and threats. “I’m going to destroy you.” Those were dad’s words last year. Then came a series of threatening letters from his attorney. Then the police at my door. Plain clothes cops with guns and handcuffs looming on my front porch, pounding on my door, peering through my partially closed blinds. I didn’t sleep for days after that. The case is still open but nothing more came of it. Just another chance to harass and torture me.
I’ve wondered what I have done wrong although I know that I have not done anything wrong. It’s what narcissists do when the light shines on them. Gas lighting! They will do anything to point the accusations at anyone else, even their own daughter.
My inheritance is protected now. He cut us off without warning. Financially I was screwed. I worked my ass off for him. I walked away from my own business for him. I took money out of my retirement account so I could afford to work for him for almost nothing until we sold that property. For a short time I felt that I would never worry about money again. I wasn’t rich but there was enough and it was flowing once again. But then he was fighting back. I asked the doctor for an evaluation for dementia. Dad felt betrayed and he was pissed! “I can’t believe my own daughter.” He couldn’t elaborate further than that. “You and I are through,” he barked at me. “Do you understand?” He told me that he was going to take me to court, “not just county court but state court!” He sounded crazy. He was crazy. “You aren’t going to like what is coming next.” He told me to get the hell out of town and “rest” because he was going to keep me really busy with court. “I’m going to see that you get NOTHING.” There it was. He really wanted to destroy me.
I spent this past year trying to get my balance back. I knew I had not done anything wrong. I knew that I did what I had to do. I had to seek help for his dementia. He was acting crazy. Threatening to shoot people. Putting the business at risk. Putting us all at risk. With every phone message I felt like I was having a stroke, one side of my face going numb, my heart pounding in my chest. Every letter I received from the attorney took me several attempts to read the entire document. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t comprehend. We jumped through all the hoops and provided all of the documentation proving that we had done nothing wrong.
I just want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to feel peace again. I want to feel joy again. I want to look forward to the day again. If I didn’t know that this grief wasn’t going to last forever, I would not want to be here on the planet anymore. Grief, depression, sorrow, lethargy, anger, sadness, confusion, heaviness, I have it all. We won our case so why do I feel so fucking horrible!???
Grief. Depression. I can see it in my face. I can feel it in my eyes. I can tell when I smile that my face isn’t relaxed and graceful but stiff and hard like plastic unable to really bring the curve of my smile to a full expression.
I vacillate from a heaviness and darkness to a bit of hope and resilience. We won. That has to be worth something. What did we win? We now have to pay someone else to babysit my dad and his business. We pushed him further away. He still doesn’t understand that he lost and we won, so what did we win? The court now sees him as a protected adult, unable to care for himself or make any major decisions on his own. A stranger is now in charge of him, his finances, his business, his trust, and mom’s trust. He doesn’t understand how crazy he is or how crazy he has always been. I have lived all of my life thinking that I was the crazy one.
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