Angry Rant

Finding a new normal, trying to anyway. I’m depleted. I have nothing left to offer anyone else. I want to put all of my time and energy into my healing and my business now so I can find traction. I have so many ideas but can't seem to find the momentum to move forward. When I start to feel resentment it means my boundaries have been crossed. My fault. My call. I’m calling it now.

Field Notes August 14, 2020

I'm so angry! FUCKING PISSED OFF! I need room to fall apart! I have quit dreaming! I want to start over with new rules! I don’t want this anymore!But I have allowed this to happen! I have not identified what I wanted and I have not stood my ground and fought for what I wanted. I need choice. I don’t know what I want yet but what I do know is that I need some time off to decide. To choose. I can't find my balance to figure it out. I need off of this horrible ride for awhile. I don’t want to have to move away to get what I want but I will if I need to.

I don’t have the energy right now to overextend myself and spread myself too thin. I don’t want to work this hard! Everyone wants something from me and I have nothing to give. I need a rest. I need a break. I need time to heal. I need time to reflect. I need time to plan. I need time to dream again. I want to dream without interruption. I don’t want to think about anything else right now. I don’t want to be distracted with anyone or anything else right now. I want to be selfish!

I want to start over. I want to start anew. I want to create. I want to rest. I want to choose. I want to be far away from here. I want to be off the grid for a long time.I don’t ever want to see some of these people again. I’m done with all of them. I want new friends. I want new connections. I want new love. I want new community. I want by life back. It’s mine. I gave it away and I don’t know what I want and I want to hide away until I can figure out my life again..

I want to say NO without feeling guilty! I want to say no a lot!