Dealing With Grief & Clutter

Field Notes August 6, 2020

I use my blue mug to drink my morning coffee because I don’t want to be uplifted by the other mugs displaying butterflies or “JOY.” I want to totally immerse myself in the feelings, all of them. The sadness, despair, grief, sorrow, and yes, even the anger. Oh, that’s the difficult one for me. I tap into the anger and really start to feel it and then fear and anxiety rise from the angry embers deep inside, and shut me down. 

I’m trying to get something done but really I’m just moving shit around my house. I manage to accomplish a few things each day. Errands, meals, laundry, although the clean stuff sometimes sits on the counter until I can’t stand it any longer or I’ve used all of what was stored there. I’ve been staring at a canister vacuum cleaner from my chair for a week. I got it out to vacuum the edges around the fireplace. I can see myself getting up and vacuuming. I know where I would start and I know how it will feel when it’s done. I just can’t seem to move from this chair once I sit down in it. I took movies out of the shelf to clear the way to vacuum and they sit somewhat neatly stacked on the fireplace hearth. A box of my coloring supplies sits half out of the shelf it normally occupies with its contents spread around the shelf. Did I think I was actually going to color for awhile? 

When the papers and miscellaneous piles finally irritate me enough I pile them in one pile or better yet, I get one of my plastic tubs and hide everything in there. I washed the rugs last week but have not put them down since I haven’t finished the floors yet. So many little projects waiting for another little project to be completed until I can finish up. Many many things wait for completion. It seems that there is stuff everywhere! I just walk by it all, ignoring it, way too tired to do anything about it right now. I spend my energy taking care of the tasks that MUST be done. 

Every morning starts with feeding my girls, Sonic, Blayze, and Miko. They are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Then we go for our morning walk. The rest is hit and miss however. I have managed to keep my kitchen clean, for the most part. I am trying to keep meals simple but like my mother, I like a clean kitchen. There are times when the dishes pile up in the sink, waiting for the clean dishes to be put away from the dishwasher. But that is a chore I have been able to keep up with. My bedroom is clean. The rugs are washed every other week or so and the bedding is washed every week. I make the bed every morning after my shower. Laundry is put neatly in the hamper, the cat box is cleaned twice a day and I vacuum several times a week. I have kept this sacred space sacred. Even the closet has been tidied and organized.

The office needs a total transformation. It’s dusty, has stacks of papers and books on the desk, the table behind the desk as well as the floor. I tried to get on a Zoom call from the office last week but needed to clear a space to sit and work. Instead of stacking things neatly to go through this week, in one of my rages, I threw the papers all over the floor.  It all still sits there, waiting for me to do something with it. Most of it can be thrown away but I fear throwing something important away so I have to go through it all. I don’t have the energy for that right now. And what is that about anyway!? Why do we keep so much? Why do I keep so much? Having less means less to tend to and care for and less to put away. Less distraction. Less options when I’m trying to decide what to do next, what to read, where to sit or what to wear.  But no, I’ve got shit everywhere! And I’m sick of it!