Field Notes August 9, 2020
It would be easier to explain a broken arm or leg or neck than to try to explain grief or depression. Yet, the same holds true for all of them. You need time to heal. Rest and heal. Setting limits on what can be accomplished until the healing is complete. But others cannot see the sadness, loss, despair, and agony of grief or depression. If one has not experienced such pain one has no idea how the deep darkness can cripple a person experiencing it. If they could see a cast on my leg they would understand that I need time to rest and heal. But they don’t see my injury or wound so they expect me to be there for them without hesitation. But I can’t! I can barely be there for myself right now.
Feeling my grief now, other grief is emerging. Deep, dark, painful, sadness, and loss. The loss of my first dog, princess when I was 16. The loss of Dusty, just a puppy when I lost him at 18. Then Rocky, just 4, died when I was 21. Then my sister who committed suicide just before my 22nd birthday. My mom who died on Christmas night 2000. And the other losses too. My 18 year career at Lakewood. My 18 year relationship with Lynn. My friend Laurie who dropped off the face of the earth just after the pandemic hit. It’s all rising to the surface now to be felt, managed, dealt with, and faced. Along with this “ambiguous” loss I feel for dad. What will it feel like when he actually dies. Will I be ahead in the grief department? Or will I feel it all over again?
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