Field Notes August 8, 2020
I made a SoulCollage card yesterday. I like it a lot. I had the image of the woman for years but never put her on a card. Had her paired with another background. Yesterday when I saw it I new it was the image to use and it was paired with the wrong background, clouds and gray sky. I found another background, sun breaking through clouds, and it is perfect. It is who I am becoming. I put a small hummingbird in the top corner and a small white buffalo at the bottom. Joy and abundance.
My house is still a mess but little things are happening. Some of the shirts I bought I took back to Target yesterday. I boxed up the shoes to donate and found a place nearby, Global Thrift, to take them to next week. I’m going to try to tackle the office today. Or start anyway. I’m overwhelmed each time I walk in there but some things down here need to go up there and there is no where to put anything. That room is totally disgusting. Dusty, papers everywhere, especially after my temper tantrum last week, and it’s dirty, unorganized, and a dead zone. It is like I feel.
I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I have no energy even though I slept pretty good last night. I feel heavy and slow and lethargic. Not enough to go back to bed but enough that movement feels difficult and strained. I complete a task and then have to sit for awhile to rest. Then I can’t think straight. Not sure what to do next so I just sit here staring into the room and at all of my junk everywhere. Some are things I want to keep and need to use. A lot can be thrown away, papers, or donated, stuff.
I washed the rugs 2 weeks ago but never got the floors cleaned to put them back down, so now the sit folded on top of the chair. I’m sure that’s not very good Feng Shui. The dog bed has been out on the porch for that amount of time along with the toy box. What’s wrong with me!? I feel like there is so much to do and I just keep falling further and further behind. Yet I can see little things getting done. I’ve had to fight the urge to go to the store or go somewhere, anywhere to avoid being here. I’ve told myself no more things are coming into this house until something goes. Many things must go. And the rocks! I found a box that I never unpacked since moving in and found some more of my rocks. I love them all but what do I do with them!? And at this point I forget what they are or what they are for. I need to take them somewhere to learn about them. One more thing to add to the list of things to do.
One more thing to add to the list but it feels important. It all feels important. And I cannot do it all. God I hope I move through this quickly. What am I to learn from this? Am I doing it right? Is there a wrong way? It feels so messy and uncomfortable, and ugly. I feel ugly. I feel ugly and fat and unloveable. I’m 20 pounds overweight now. Walking but not losing. I eat well for a few days and then I overeat or eat the wrong things. I quit buying cookies and cupcakes. No ice cream in weeks. But veggies don’t sound so good at the moment.
I want to start using the elliptical and lifting some weights but I don’t have the energy for it and where will I find the time? I’m overwhelmed and I am getting very little done. And trying to set boundaries. What a difficult task for sure. I want to write. I want to write my book. I want to write blog posts. When I’m walking or cleaning or anywhere that’s not at the computer I think of cute things to write about but when I sit down to write I get nothing! It’s so frustrating. My body is wrapped in molasses but so is my brain. Heavy, foggy, slow, overwhelmed. I feel like I’m wasting time. When I sit, I feel that I should be doing something. Anything.! But so often all I have the energy for is to sit.
I’m not sick. I’m not sad, really. I’m not happy. Joy is way below the surface. I don’t feel it but I do know its down there somewhere. My candle of joy burning underneath all of the chaos, clutter, and debris. My house certainly represents how I am feeling emotionally. As I clean, if I can, will that help me feel lighter? An idea to ponder for sure. It’s hard to describe and anyone who has never experienced this would not understand. I”M NOT SICK. I’m not sad, really. But I have NO energy. I feel like I have no creative juices flowing at the moment. That river is dry. Although making the card yesterday felt good. I felt some lightness in the process. I left things out so I can make a few more cards in the next few days. I can work around that mess. My creative mess.
I’m indecisive. What to eat? When to eat? Then I think I’m eating too much. I bought a few tank tops. No, I bought a lot because I didn’t know what color or what size. I took most back. Kept just a few. Got rid of a few old ones. Can’t move forward on so many things. I put the sign on the camper but I have not put an ad yet on Nextdoor or FB. I know I want to sell it so why can’t or or why don’t I move forward!? Why!?
Then there is my journal. I can’t even keep up with that. I have printouts to glue from a month ago! So Im waiting to journal til I glue and I don’t glue so I don’t journal. I think that is a theme. So many things that I want to do rely on getting something done first like the floors need to be cleaned to put the rugs down but I don’t clean the floors so the rugs sit folded o top of the chair. I’m so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t meet anyone right now. I’m a freaking mess! I've been invited to go camping for Labor Day weekend. There is no way in hell I could plan for that kind of a trip. It would take everything I have and right now everything I have has got to go into me. Into feeling better. Into healing. Into cleaning. Into putting my life in order again. I would love to go …if it was easy. But NOTHING is easy right now. I have too much of everything! Too many emails. Too many classes. Too much stuff! Too many ideas!
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