Field Notes August 6, 2020

I use my blue mug to drink my morning coffee because I don’t want to be uplifted by the other mugs displaying butterflies or “JOY.” I want to totally immerse myself in the feelings, all of them. The sadness, despair, grief, sorrow, and yes, even the anger. Oh, that’s the difficult one for me. I tap into the anger and really start to feel it and then fear and anxiety rise from the angry embers deep inside, and shut me down. 

I’m trying to get something done but really I’m just moving shit around my house. I manage to accomplish a few things each day. Errands, meals, laundry, although the clean stuff sometimes sits on the counter until I can’t stand it any longer or I’ve used all of what was stored there. I’ve been staring at a canister vacuum cleaner from my chair for a week. I got it out to vacuum the edges around the fireplace. I can see myself getting up and vacuuming. I know where I would start and I know how it will feel when it’s done. I just can’t seem to move from this chair once I sit down in it. I took movies out of the shelf to clear the way to vacuum and they sit somewhat neatly stacked on the fireplace hearth. A box of my coloring supplies sits half out of the shelf it normally occupies with its contents spread around the shelf. Did I think I was actually going to color for awhile? 

When the papers and miscellaneous piles finally irritate me enough I pile them in one pile or better yet, I get one of my plastic tubs and hide everything in there. I washed the rugs last week but have not put them down since I haven’t finished the floors yet. So many little projects waiting for another little project to be completed until I can finish up. Many many things wait for completion. It seems that there is stuff everywhere! I just walk by it all, ignoring it, way too tired to do anything about it right now. I spend my energy taking care of the tasks that MUST be done. 

Every morning starts with feeding my girls, Sonic, Blayze, and Miko. They are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Then we go for our morning walk. The rest is hit and miss however. I have managed to keep my kitchen clean, for the most part. I am trying to keep meals simple but like my mother, I like a clean kitchen. There are times when the dishes pile up in the sink, waiting for the clean dishes to be put away from the dishwasher. But that is a chore I have been able to keep up with. My bedroom is clean. The rugs are washed every other week or so and the bedding is washed every week. I make the bed every morning after my shower. Laundry is put neatly in the hamper, the cat box is cleaned twice a day and I vacuum several times a week. I have kept this sacred space sacred. Even the closet has been tidied and organized.

The office needs a total transformation. It’s dusty, has stacks of papers and books on the desk, the table behind the desk as well as the floor. I tried to get on a Zoom call from the office last week but needed to clear a space to sit and work. Instead of stacking things neatly to go through this week, in one of my rages, I threw the papers all over the floor.  It all still sits there, waiting for me to do something with it. Most of it can be thrown away but I fear throwing something important away so I have to go through it all. I don’t have the energy for that right now. And what is that about anyway!? Why do we keep so much? Why do I keep so much? Having less means less to tend to and care for and less to put away. Less distraction. Less options when I’m trying to decide what to do next, what to read, where to sit or what to wear.  But no, I’ve got shit everywhere! And I’m sick of it!

Field Notes August 5th, 2021

The paperwork is still on the kitchen table where I sat for the hearing which was online just over a month ago. I’ve piled mail, receipts, and other items on top of the paperwork, but it’s still there lurking beneath the mess. Then the question is do I keep it for some reason or throw it away? Or better yet, burn it all!? What do I do with all of that documentation and information? What good is it to me now? I put a lot of time and effort into that case. We spent a lot of money on an attorney for that case. And we won! We won, so why do I still feel so horrible?!

I am protected from false accusations and threats. “I’m going to destroy you.” Those were dad’s words last year. Then came a series of threatening letters from his attorney. Then the police at my door. Plain clothes cops with guns and handcuffs looming on my front porch, pounding on my door, peering through my partially closed blinds. I didn’t sleep for days after that. The case is still open but nothing more came of it. Just another chance to harass and torture me. 

I’ve wondered what I have done wrong although I know that I have not done anything wrong. It’s what narcissists do when the light shines on them. Gas lighting!  They will do anything to point the accusations at anyone else, even their own daughter. 

I just want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to feel peace again. I want to feel joy again. I want to look forward to the day again. If I didn’t know that this grief wasn’t going to last forever, I would not want to be here on the planet anymore. Grief, depression, sorrow, lethargy, anger, sadness, confusion, heaviness, I have it all. We won our case so why do I feel so fucking horrible!???