Field Notes August 21, 2020

Today is dad's 94th birthday. I’ve been grieving my dad for 3 years, or more. But in the last year he became an enemy intent on “destroying” me. His death will be a relief, then I can truly rest.  A time when I can finally let my guard down and quit looking over my shoulder or worry what threatening letter might be in my mailbox.

I’m going on with my life. Anticipating his death. I really don’t know how I will respond when I finally get the news or who will deliver it. Will I be there with him? Or will I hear days later from the conservator? How will this all play out. What’s the timing of everything? I feel his end is near. Other’s have said it. He isn’t well. He hasn’t been well for a long long time. But we had to let this all play out. He couldn’t give up the fight. He had to stay long enough to make things right. 

Field Notes August 20,  2020

The most important journey is within. The answers are not outside of you but inside of you. You won’t truly know yourself until you find a way to go in to yourself deeply, honestly, authentically. 

I’m finally feeling better. Moving through the heaviness. Feeling lighter. Able to get more done. I made several SoulCollage® cards last Sunday. Then I cleaned up my mess and organized the shelves where I keep my supplies. I put the papers from the hearing in one of the boxes in the garage. I can sort and organize those boxes later. Feels good to start to clear.

Field Notes August 9, 2020

It would be easier to explain a broken arm or leg or neck than to try to explain grief or depression. Yet, the same holds true for all of them.  You need time to heal. Rest and heal. Setting limits on what can be accomplished until the healing is complete. But others cannot see the sadness, loss, despair, and agony of grief or depression. If one has not experienced such pain one has no idea how the deep darkness can cripple a person experiencing it. If they could see a cast on my leg they would understand that I need time to rest and heal. But they don’t see my injury or wound so they expect me to be there for them without hesitation. But I can’t! I can barely be there for myself right now.

Finding a new normal, trying to anyway. I’m depleted. I have nothing left to offer anyone else. I want to put all of my time and energy into my healing and my business now so I can find traction. I have so many ideas but can't seem to find the momentum to move forward. When I start to feel resentment it means my boundaries have been crossed. My fault. My call. I’m calling it now.

Field Notes August 14, 2020

I'm so angry! FUCKING PISSED OFF! I need room to fall apart! I have quit dreaming! I want to start over with new rules! I don’t want this anymore!But I have allowed this to happen! I have not identified what I wanted and I have not stood my ground and fought for what I wanted. I need choice. I don’t know what I want yet but what I do know is that I need some time off to decide. To choose. I can't find my balance to figure it out. I need off of this horrible ride for awhile. I don’t want to have to move away to get what I want but I will if I need to.

I don’t have the energy right now to overextend myself and spread myself too thin. I don’t want to work this hard! Everyone wants something from me and I have nothing to give. I need a rest. I need a break. I need time to heal. I need time to reflect. I need time to plan. I need time to dream again. I want to dream without interruption. I don’t want to think about anything else right now. I don’t want to be distracted with anyone or anything else right now. I want to be selfish!

I want to start over. I want to start anew. I want to create. I want to rest. I want to choose. I want to be far away from here. I want to be off the grid for a long time.I don’t ever want to see some of these people again. I’m done with all of them. I want new friends. I want new connections. I want new love. I want new community. I want by life back. It’s mine. I gave it away and I don’t know what I want and I want to hide away until I can figure out my life again..

I want to say NO without feeling guilty! I want to say no a lot!