Every Day Spirit Quest

I bought my truck in 2017 and then after quite a bit of research decided to buy a Lance camper in 2019. After several trips in the Lance I knew that this set up wasn't going to be right for me.  It was a bit top heavy, an uncomfortable ride, and a little bit small for me, the kitty, and my two dogs. And there were some things I couldn't get used to, like the way the stairs were set up. So I sold the camper in 2020. I had a camper shell, so in 2021 I decided to set up the back of my truck to camp in. I found some great examples on Pinterest and Youtube and I already had most of the camping gear and just needed to get a few supplies. But in May just before my first camping trip of 2021 my truck broke down on a very hot day and left me stranded. And after the mechanic said he could not find anything wrong with it I knew that I wanted to sell it and find something else. The mechanic bought my truck and started my search for a new vehicle. 

I’m cleaning the office now. Slowly, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a deadline. The washer will be delivered on tuesday so it all has to be back in the office by then. But I think I’ll have the bulk of it done today. Cleaning the bookshelves and counters. Donating some of the books I will never read. Organizing the books I want to keep. Creating sacred space in my office once again. It feels really good. It will be a great place to work and create. Moving forward. I have plans. I have dreams. I have goals. I have a vision. I am moving in that direction. I am moving in the right direction. I am moving forward. I am moving. I am!

I am also unwinding tasks and obligations that no longer serve me. I cannot be all things to to all people and I get to choose. I can help when I can but I cannot take on other obligations. It will take me awhile to get over the resentment for the church not being there for me in my time of need yet still expecting me to be there for them. I know that is on me. 

I am taking September to step away. To fully immerse myself in me, my home, and my business. To find a new routine. To start again. To gain momentum. Then, when other things come along I won’t be so easily swayed. I can set firm boundaries. “Today, I have clients.” “Today, is my podcast.” “I’m working on my book today.” “Today is my day of rest.” 

I GET TO CHOOSE! I GET TO SAY YES. I GET TO SAY NO. I GET TO CHOOSE. I GET TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT, WHAT I WANT TO DO, what I believe, how I want to spend my time, who I want to spend my time with. 

Depleted. I am depleted. And to keep giving to anything that doesn’t feed my soul is depleting me even further. I HAVE to step away for a bit. I HAVE to feed my soul. I HAVE to take the time to heal. And at this point it could be September and it could take the rest of the year. 

Feeling my grief now, other grief is emerging. Deep, dark, painful, sadness, and loss. The loss of my first dog, princess when I was 16. The loss of Dusty, just a puppy when I lost him at 18. Then Rocky, just 4, died when I was 21. Then my sister who committed suicide just before my 22nd birthday. My mom who died on Christmas night 2000. And the other losses too. My 18 year career at Lakewood. My 18 year relationship with Lynn. My friend Laurie who dropped off the face of the earth just after the pandemic hit. It’s all rising to the surface now to be felt, managed, dealt with, and faced. Along with this “ambiguous” loss I feel for dad. What will it feel like when he actually dies. Will I be ahead in the grief department? Or will I feel it all over again?