Every Day Spirit Quest

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Angry Rant

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Finding a new normal, trying to anyway. I’m depleted. I have nothing left to offer anyone else. I want to put all of my time and energy into my healing and my business now so I can find traction. I have so many ideas but can't seem to find the momentum to move forward. When I start to feel resentment it means my boundaries have been crossed. My fault. My call. I’m calling it now.

Field Notes August 14, 2020

I'm so angry! FUCKING PISSED OFF! I need room to fall apart! I have quit dreaming! I want to start over with new rules! I don’t want this anymore!But I have allowed this to happen! I have not identified what I wanted and I have not stood my ground and fought for what I wanted. I need choice. I don’t know what I want yet but what I do know is that I need some time off to decide. To choose. I can't find my balance to figure it out. I need off of this horrible ride for awhile. I don’t want to have to move away to get what I want but I will if I need to.

I don’t have the energy right now to overextend myself and spread myself too thin. I don’t want to work this hard! Everyone wants something from me and I have nothing to give. I need a rest. I need a break. I need time to heal. I need time to reflect. I need time to plan. I need time to dream again. I want to dream without interruption. I don’t want to think about anything else right now. I don’t want to be distracted with anyone or anything else right now. I want to be selfish!

I want to start over. I want to start anew. I want to create. I want to rest. I want to choose. I want to be far away from here. I want to be off the grid for a long time.I don’t ever want to see some of these people again. I’m done with all of them. I want new friends. I want new connections. I want new love. I want new community. I want by life back. It’s mine. I gave it away and I don’t know what I want and I want to hide away until I can figure out my life again..

I want to say NO without feeling guilty! I want to say no a lot!



Moving Through Chaos

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Field Notes August 8, 2020

I made a SoulCollage card yesterday. I like it a lot. I had the image of the woman for years but never put her on a card. Had her paired with another background. Yesterday when I saw it I new it was the image to use and it was paired with the wrong background, clouds and gray sky. I found another background, sun breaking through clouds, and it is perfect. It is who I am becoming. I put a small hummingbird in the top corner and a small white buffalo at the bottom. Joy and abundance.

My house is still a mess but little things are happening. Some of the shirts I bought I took back to Target yesterday. I boxed up the shoes to donate and found a place nearby, Global Thrift, to take them to next week. I’m going to try to tackle the office today. Or start anyway. I’m overwhelmed each time I walk in there but some things down here need to go up there and there is no where to put anything. That room is totally disgusting. Dusty, papers everywhere, especially after my temper tantrum last week, and it’s dirty, unorganized, and a dead zone. It is like I feel.

I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I have no energy even though I slept pretty good last night. I feel heavy and slow and lethargic. Not enough to go back to bed but enough that movement feels difficult and strained. I complete a task and then have to sit for awhile to rest. Then I can’t think straight. Not sure what to do next so I just sit here staring into the room and at all of my junk everywhere. Some are things I want to keep and need to use. A lot can be thrown away, papers, or donated, stuff. 

I washed the rugs 2 weeks ago but never got the floors cleaned to put them back down, so now the sit folded on top of the chair. I’m sure that’s not very good Feng Shui. The dog bed has been out on the porch for that amount of time along with the toy box. What’s wrong with me!? I feel like there is so much to do and I just keep falling further and further behind. Yet I can see little things getting done. I’ve had to fight the urge to go to the store or go somewhere, anywhere to avoid being here. I’ve told myself no more things are coming into this house until something goes. Many things must go. And the rocks! I found a box that I never unpacked since moving in and found some more of my rocks. I love them all but what do I do with them!? And at this point I forget what they are or what they are for. I need to take them somewhere to learn about them. One more thing to add to the list of things to do.

One more thing to add to the list but it feels important. It all feels important. And I cannot do it all. God I hope I move through this quickly. What am I to learn from this? Am I doing it right? Is there a wrong way? It feels so messy and uncomfortable, and ugly. I feel ugly. I feel ugly and fat and unloveable. I’m 20 pounds overweight now. Walking but not losing. I eat well for a few days and then I overeat or eat the wrong things. I quit buying cookies and cupcakes. No ice cream in weeks. But veggies don’t sound so good at the moment. 

I want to start using the elliptical and lifting some weights but I don’t have the energy for it and where will I find the time? I’m overwhelmed and I am getting very little done. And trying to set boundaries. What a difficult task for sure.  I want to write. I want to write my book. I want to write blog posts. When I’m walking or cleaning or anywhere that’s not at the computer I think of cute things to write about but when I sit down to write I get nothing! It’s so frustrating. My body is wrapped in molasses but so is my brain. Heavy, foggy, slow, overwhelmed. I feel like I’m wasting time. When I sit, I feel that I should be doing something. Anything.! But so often all I have the energy for is to sit. 

I’m not sick. I’m not sad, really. I’m not happy. Joy is way below the surface. I don’t feel it but I do know its down there somewhere. My candle of joy burning underneath all of the chaos, clutter, and debris. My house certainly represents how I am feeling emotionally.  As I clean, if I can, will that help me feel lighter? An idea to ponder for sure. It’s hard to describe and anyone who has never experienced this would not understand. I”M NOT SICK. I’m not sad, really. But I have NO energy. I feel like I have no creative juices flowing at the moment. That river is dry. Although making the card yesterday felt good. I felt some lightness in the process. I left things out so I can make a few more cards in the next few days. I can work around that mess. My creative mess. 

I’m indecisive. What to eat? When to eat? Then I think I’m eating too much.  I bought a few tank tops. No, I bought a lot because I didn’t know what color or what size. I took most back. Kept just a few. Got rid of a few old ones. Can’t move forward on so many things. I put the sign on the camper but I have not put an ad yet on Nextdoor or FB. I know I want to sell it so why can’t or or why don’t I move forward!? Why!?

Then there is my journal. I can’t even keep up with that. I have printouts to glue from a month ago! So Im waiting to journal til I glue and I don’t glue so I don’t journal. I think that is a theme. So many things that I want to do rely on getting something done first like the floors need to be cleaned to put the rugs down but I don’t clean the floors so the rugs sit folded o top of the chair. I’m so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t meet anyone right now. I’m a freaking mess! I've been invited to go camping for Labor Day weekend. There is no way in hell I could plan for that kind of a trip. It would take everything I have and right now everything I have has got to go into me. Into feeling better. Into healing. Into cleaning. Into putting my life in order again. I would love to go …if it was easy. But NOTHING is easy right now.  I have too much of everything! Too many emails. Too many classes. Too much stuff! Too many ideas!

Dealing With Grief & Clutter

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Field Notes August 6, 2020

I use my blue mug to drink my morning coffee because I don’t want to be uplifted by the other mugs displaying butterflies or “JOY.” I want to totally immerse myself in the feelings, all of them. The sadness, despair, grief, sorrow, and yes, even the anger. Oh, that’s the difficult one for me. I tap into the anger and really start to feel it and then fear and anxiety rise from the angry embers deep inside, and shut me down. 

I’m trying to get something done but really I’m just moving shit around my house. I manage to accomplish a few things each day. Errands, meals, laundry, although the clean stuff sometimes sits on the counter until I can’t stand it any longer or I’ve used all of what was stored there. I’ve been staring at a canister vacuum cleaner from my chair for a week. I got it out to vacuum the edges around the fireplace. I can see myself getting up and vacuuming. I know where I would start and I know how it will feel when it’s done. I just can’t seem to move from this chair once I sit down in it. I took movies out of the shelf to clear the way to vacuum and they sit somewhat neatly stacked on the fireplace hearth. A box of my coloring supplies sits half out of the shelf it normally occupies with its contents spread around the shelf. Did I think I was actually going to color for awhile? 

When the papers and miscellaneous piles finally irritate me enough I pile them in one pile or better yet, I get one of my plastic tubs and hide everything in there. I washed the rugs last week but have not put them down since I haven’t finished the floors yet. So many little projects waiting for another little project to be completed until I can finish up. Many many things wait for completion. It seems that there is stuff everywhere! I just walk by it all, ignoring it, way too tired to do anything about it right now. I spend my energy taking care of the tasks that MUST be done. 

Every morning starts with feeding my girls, Sonic, Blayze, and Miko. They are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Then we go for our morning walk. The rest is hit and miss however. I have managed to keep my kitchen clean, for the most part. I am trying to keep meals simple but like my mother, I like a clean kitchen. There are times when the dishes pile up in the sink, waiting for the clean dishes to be put away from the dishwasher. But that is a chore I have been able to keep up with. My bedroom is clean. The rugs are washed every other week or so and the bedding is washed every week. I make the bed every morning after my shower. Laundry is put neatly in the hamper, the cat box is cleaned twice a day and I vacuum several times a week. I have kept this sacred space sacred. Even the closet has been tidied and organized.

The laundry room that sits just outside my bedroom is another story. Sometimes the dirty laundry sits in piles waiting for its turn for the washer. Sometimes the clean laundry sits folded on top of the dryer waiting to be put away. Sometimes I pull it to wear right from there and those cloths never reach the drawer that week. Right now on the small dresser that sits on the landing is a stack of books I brought from downstairs to put away in the book shelves in my office. But the office is such a mess it's no longer possible to put anything away.

The office needs a total transformation. It’s dusty, has stacks of papers and books on the desk, the table behind the desk as well as the floor. I tried to get on a Zoom call from the office last week but needed to clear a space to sit and work. Instead of stacking things neatly to go through this week, in one of my rages, I threw the papers all over the floor.  It all still sits there, waiting for me to do something with it. Most of it can be thrown away but I fear throwing something important away so I have to go through it all. I don’t have the energy for that right now. And what is that about anyway!? Why do we keep so much? Why do I keep so much? Having less means less to tend to and care for and less to put away. Less distraction. Less options when I’m trying to decide what to do next, what to read, where to sit or what to wear.  But no, I’ve got shit everywhere! And I’m sick of it!

After The Hearing

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Field Notes August 5th, 2021

The paperwork is still on the kitchen table where I sat for the hearing which was online just over a month ago. I’ve piled mail, receipts, and other items on top of the paperwork, but it’s still there lurking beneath the mess. Then the question is do I keep it for some reason or throw it away? Or better yet, burn it all!? What do I do with all of that documentation and information? What good is it to me now? I put a lot of time and effort into that case. We spent a lot of money on an attorney for that case. And we won! We won, so why do I still feel so horrible?!

I’m still angry and sad and depressed and unmotivated and heavy. I still feel lost and stuck and confused and betrayed and disappointed. But we won! We proved our case. Our voices were heard. The judge knew there was more behind our broken story, restricted by the rules of court procedure. “I wonder,” he asked during his ruling, “why the sisters were taken out as trustees twice.” He went on, “I know there is more to the story that has not been elaborated on by your testimonies.” He commended us for pursuing this case and for asking for a third party conservator. He was proud of us. 

Something I've wanted from my dad my entire life, for him to be proud of me. I never got it and I never will. Not now. Not ever. I have betrayed him. I have revealed his dark secret. I have said out loud that there is something wrong with him. It took me 2 years but finally someone listened. I went through hell but now finally someone has believed me. I have been heard and I am now protected.

I am protected from false accusations and threats. “I’m going to destroy you.” Those were dad’s words last year. Then came a series of threatening letters from his attorney. Then the police at my door. Plain clothes cops with guns and handcuffs looming on my front porch, pounding on my door, peering through my partially closed blinds. I didn’t sleep for days after that. The case is still open but nothing more came of it. Just another chance to harass and torture me. 

I’ve wondered what I have done wrong although I know that I have not done anything wrong. It’s what narcissists do when the light shines on them. Gas lighting!  They will do anything to point the accusations at anyone else, even their own daughter. 

My inheritance is protected now. He cut us off without warning. Financially I was screwed. I worked my ass off for him. I walked away from my own business for him. I took money out of my retirement account so I could afford to work for him for almost nothing until we sold that property. For a short time I felt that I would never worry about money again. I wasn’t rich but there was enough and it was flowing once again. But then he was fighting back. I asked the doctor for an evaluation for dementia. Dad felt betrayed and he was pissed! “I can’t believe my own daughter.” He couldn’t elaborate further than that. “You and I are through,” he barked at me. “Do you understand?” He told me that he was going to take me to court, “not just county court but state court!” He sounded crazy. He was crazy. “You aren’t going to like what is coming next.” He told me to get the hell out of town and “rest” because he was going to keep me really busy with court. “I’m going to see that you get NOTHING.” There it was. He really wanted to destroy me. 

I spent this past year trying to get my balance back. I knew I had not done anything wrong. I knew that I did what I had to do. I had to seek help for his dementia. He was acting crazy. Threatening to shoot people. Putting the business at risk. Putting us all at risk. With every phone message I felt like I was having a stroke, one side of my face going numb, my heart pounding in my chest. Every letter I received from the attorney took me several attempts to read the entire document. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t comprehend. We jumped through all the hoops and provided all of the documentation proving that we had done nothing wrong. 

I just want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to feel peace again. I want to feel joy again. I want to look forward to the day again. If I didn’t know that this grief wasn’t going to last forever, I would not want to be here on the planet anymore. Grief, depression, sorrow, lethargy, anger, sadness, confusion, heaviness, I have it all. We won our case so why do I feel so fucking horrible!??? 

Grief. Depression. I can see it in my face. I can feel it in my eyes. I can tell when I smile that my face isn’t relaxed and graceful but stiff and hard like plastic unable to really bring the curve of my smile to a full expression. 

I vacillate from a heaviness and darkness to a bit of hope and resilience. We won. That has to be worth something. What did we win? We now have to pay someone else to babysit my dad and his business. We pushed him further away. He still doesn’t understand that he lost and we won, so what did we win? The court now sees him as a protected adult, unable to care for himself or make any major decisions on his own. A stranger is now in charge of him, his finances, his business, his trust, and mom’s trust. He doesn’t understand how crazy he is or how crazy he has always been. I have lived all of my life thinking that I was the crazy one.

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